Wicked Christmas Jokes

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Christmas is a time for getting together with family and friends to spend some quality time. You might find yourself in the company of small people for extended periods of time. When they have got bored of chucking wrapping paper about, demanding chocolate and systematically breaking and losing their Christmas presents, they may well turn to you for entertainment (if there’s nothing good on television or the internet is broken).

  • Worry not. We can help, with these festive jokes and one-liners. Some are even suitable for Grown Ups. We will even let you pretend that you made them up, because we’re cool that way.
  • A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.  After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.” “She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
  • The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.
  • Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
  • Anyone who believes men and women are equal has not seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
  • I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!
  • A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other were their looks. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.  Just to see what would happen, on Christmas day their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. “Why are you crying?” the father asked. “Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

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